... and Vandals

There is widespread vandalism across Switzerland at the moment.
For once this is positive because it is causing the SVP to reconsider their xenophobic campaign.

The brochure that landed in my letterbox at the end of July was accompanied by billboards plastered with the demand to establish 'Safety in Switzerland'.
The picture on the placards is the same one of the sheep that was used in the brochure.
I'm sure I don't have to reinterpret it for you?
The sheep are accompanied by a further two slogans:
"Swiss Quality" and
"My Home – Our Switzerland"


A placard hanging at our village station ...

I'm not sure what the 'Swiss Quality' refers to - the printing perhaps?
I can certainly relate to the 'My Home', though.
Switzerland has been my home for over six years now and the SVP is doing their damnedest to make me feel uncomfortable!

The placard itself doesn't carry any further explanations. It doesn't attempt to explain that most of Switzerland's crimes are carried out by foreign nationals. It is purely and simply hostile towards foreigners!
Of course, I've been informed on numerous occasions, that I'm not 'that sort' of foreigner and my worst crime to date has been that of unlawful parking – a crime nevertheless and I am sure that the Blick-readers of this country have long-since got the message, that all foreigners are criminal at heart.

I am happy to report that even here in Appenzell, one of Switzerland's most conservative cantons, the posters are being damaged, painted over or, where possible, ripped down completely!
This is causing the SVP to reconsider and to recall the posters, while at the same time they are taking court action over said vandalism.

Perhaps the people at the SVP should take a step backwards and take a sober look at what has been hanging in Switzerland's streets for the past month.

Just this once, I can only welcome this form of vandalism ...

Oh dear, the Bears are loose again!
I mentioned the bears to you, didn't I?
Oh - it was only one bear, wasn't it!
Sorry, I'll have to correct that - we now have two, it would seem.
That probably means that next year there will be more. But only if they stick to the rules!

I mentioned the rules, didn't I?
Yes, I'm sure I did. Bears may be seen, but not heard make a nuisance of themselves.
Ride their tricycles on the right-hand-side of the road and not steal lambs and such!

These bears, or at least one of them would seem to be foreign, or may be lacking, or even both. At least, he didn't seem to understand the rules when they were explained to him. Either that, or he is just contemptuous of Swiss rules.
Although I agree that not all Swiss rules are logical, it is not recomendable to just pass them over.
Sorry, the phones ringing ...

Hello, oh Bruno (the bear is a young male of 98 kg), how nice of you to call.
Look Bruno, we have a problem here - if you get hungry, as you are bound to at some time, please try eating grass or some leaves off the trees.
It might also be acceptable for you to climb up the slopes of the mountain you live on and eat one of the chamois that we are not allowed to shoot - they don't really belong to anyone you see. Like yourself they are just another endangered species.
You are not allowed to wander off downhill and just grab a lamb, when you feel like it.
And keep your paws off those bee-hives!
What was that?
Yes, I know it is easier to catch a lamb than a chamois, but lambs have owners, the chamois don't.

We can't shoot the chamois because they are endangered, we can shoot you if you go round stealing other peoples property.

You have to understand, that when other animals loose their shyness of humans, we call them tame. When young bears like yourself loose their shyness, we get worried and call them troublesome. Well, now we've developed a new "Bear Strategy" .
I'm not sure how sound an idea it is, but we've fitted you out with a bear telephone - strapped around your neck!
We're going to track you via GPS, you see. That way we shall be able to check on you and determine whether or not it really is you stealing our lambs.
If it is, you're in for trouble, I can assure you!

We'll start by letting off fire crackers to frighten the lambs you off. If that doesn't help, we'll pelt you with rubber bullets.
If that doesn't help - beware!

Now about that telephone. You are to phone us at regular intervalls and let us know where you are. There is no point in telling fibs, because when you phone in, we can track you to within 50 cm!
There are further rules, though. Sorry, you can't go up that way - yes, I know you live up there, but that is an area with no reception, you won't be able to phone in, will you. Silly bear!
And stop scratching at that collar - it was expensive! It's not supposed to be comfortable, it is supposed to hold the telephone in place. Now look what you've done - it's all mauled!

Yes Bruno, I know I'm nagging, but it is all to keep you out of harms way.
Yes, I know you are an endangered species, you cant keep harping on that.
To tell you the truth, we thought we'd got rid of the whole lot of you for good, years ago. If you wish to remain here now, you must behave yourself ...

... hello, Bruno? Bruno, I can't hear you. Are you there, Bruno, hellooo?
Damned dead spots!

The last entry to my lowly blog attracted far more attention than I am used to.
Visits to my blog have been tripled all week.
I received a number of mails, my text was quoted on various sites, discussed and often distorted.
A number of people have done their damnedest to prove that they have no humour whatsoever and on more than one occasion, I felt compelled to try and explain what I was trying to say.

Here is an explanation that I wrote yesterday ...

Hi Graham

Thanks very much for your views on my blog.
My last entry drew a number of comments.
As you perhaps saw, one guy suggested I might be a functional analphebet. (He meant illiterate, of course, but otherwise his english is pretty good.)
I was being ironic about the fact that pamphlets urging people to protest against foreigners are posted through the letterboxes of said foreigners.
I did not expect to be quoted on so many sites.

The figures I used are the figures quoted in the SVP-pamphlet. They were provided by the Swiss federal police and are presumably accurate, I read the same figures in a number of newspapers. Admittedly, I deliberately exaggerated the facts to present what a foreigner or a Blick/Bild/Sun-reader may have understood. The way that some Brits and Americans I've spoken to did understand them.

It is a sorry fact that the English speaking nations find German a difficult language to master, as do Turks, Yugoslavians or Thai. Most Brits, however, do try to understand the newspapers and the rubbish that lands in the letter box, some literature gets misinterpreted though. I know a number of expats who found the pamphlet displeasing. Two even returned it to she SVP with a letter of protest.

As for Brits abroad, if you had travelled to Mallorca a few years ago, it would have been the Germans who left the bad impression while during the same period the Brits were rendering the Canary Isles unsafe and the Dutch some Greek Islands.
I think large numbers of young tourists of any nation promote the mutual feeling, that rompish spirits may be presented without retribution. I am speaking from limited (but unpleasant) experience, as I only rarely visit mass-tourist-resorts.

The fact that a Welsh flag flies outside 'my' house is also meant ironically.
Every second house up here on 'my' hill has a Swiss or Appenzeller flag flying. I find it amusing to present a different coat of arms.
My neighbours, of course, haven't caught on to the humor - they put it down to national pride and possibly think I'm not quite doing my best to 'fit in'.
The flag wasn't presented in Wales, because it would be just as witless as flying a Swiss flag here.*

I have lived on the continent for long enough to know what any European means, when he says "not that kind of foreigner". Still, people stand at pub bars and rant about foreigners without taking into account the fact, that they are standing next to one. I am permanently aware of the fact that I am - almost everywhere - a foreigner. Sitting or standing next to one of those ranters does not make for a comfortable evening. It can make an interesting afternoon in a sunny beer garden. I do, however, often feel an urge to protest.

I understand the sentiments that lead a 'neutral' country to play bank to Mr. Hitler. They have been condemned all too often in various publications. 
I'm glad to say WWII was long before my time and I don't see any purpose in prolonged pointing of fingers towards Switzerland, or even Germany for that matter.
I did mention the SVP being 'not-quite-national-socialist' in connection to Hitler when, on reflection, I should have stayed with the fact that five of the last seven titel-pages of their monthly magazine have carried anti-foreigner slogans.
No wonder the right-wing-radicals want to take over the Rütliwiese!**

Exaggeration of facts is part and parcel of irony.
You will find similar exaggeration in many of my other articles.
I'll do my best to present something just a little more pleasing the next time I sit down to write ...

*Witless: Without humour
**The Rütliwiese is the meadow (not a mountain as stated in an earlier post) where the official celebrations are held on the Swiss national holiday. It is supposedly the place where three Swiss gentlemen swore:
"We will be a single nation of brothers". The Swiss national myth.

Last Sunday, I was sitting in a pub garden and overheard a group of middle-aged Swiss discussing their holidays.

Austrians abroad, it seems, are quite nice, the Dutch are very annoying, the Germans are abominable, but the worst, the very worst of all, are the British!
I resisted getting up and punching someone on the nose. If they choose to visit mass-tourist-resorts, then that is their own fault.
I would guess that, wherever they had been on their holidays, the Swiss and Austrians were a minority, there had been a number of Dutch, a lot of Germans, but most of the tourists there had been young Brits.

The strength of numbers always seems to do something unpleasant to young people in holiday mood abroad. Alcohol flows copiously and people begin to behave over-conspicuously.
Things like that don't don't very often happen in Llandanwg or Gais, but they will in Bodrum or Agios Georgios.

On Monday a pamphlet landed in my letter box.

So that the Swiss may continue to celebrate the first of August (their national holiday) in 'peace and freedom', I was requested to sign a petition to banish foreign criminals from Switzerland. The news that Neo-Nazis had almost managed to have the official celebrations cancelled for fear of their violent protests, was seemingly forgotten!
I read on to find that Switzerland has the highest percentage of foreigners in the world. They forgot to mention that Berlin alone has over a third of the number of foreigners that the whole of Switzerland has - and that is just one German city.

Further, I was informed, 85% of Swiss imigrants are rapists, 66% are into blackmail, 55% go in for murder and the rest will resort to violence sooner or later.
I would hope that I have misinterpreted the statistics somewhere ...

When I asked my neighbour if he believed the statistics, he replied, that
'... of course he did!'.
I asked him if he locked his daughters up at night for fear that I might just get bored and decide to rape them?
'No, of course not, you're not a foreigner!'
I pointed to the Welsh flag flying above his head and he conceded
'Yes, but not that sort of foreigner!'

How many 'sorts' of foreigners are there then?

Just as a side note:
The pamphlet was distributed by the SVP (Swiss People's Party) the most powerful of the Swiss parties. This is the party that was not quite Nazi, but very sympathetic towards Mr. Hitler.